Teacher Appreciation Week!

Teacher Appreciation Week!  Yep....unfortunately for my diet, we have a fabulous group of parents that shower us with yummy goodies all week long.  The parents sign up to bring the assigned food category of the day. Today was doughnuts and finger food day!  The Orange Monster struck....but he didn't get me!  I salivated over those chocolate doughnuts......boy did I!  But I just looked! I watched a friend or two eat. That was going to have to do me for today. I lived vicariously through them! And envied them! I was bound and determined to at least make it through the first day without feeling guilty and angry with myself for caving in.  I should be ok in the morning.....tomorrow's breakfast is fruit. I can't eat fruit.....nope....not at all....unless it is cooked or processed.  I was cursed with an allergy to raw fruits and vegetables.  That combined with this slow metabolism I was lucky enough to have and that leaves me with ......well, not much to choose from.  Its all good though....I'm picturing myself right now , looking all trim in the future, feeling good about myself again. Recently one of my facebook friends posted this status: "Nothing tastes as good as SKINNY"....that is my motto right now, well at least I'm trying to convince myself it is. 
     Had a pretty good day for the most part though. I wasn't angry at the world like I sometimes feel at this point. I am NOT a Monday person, so I was a little afraid how the day would turn out. It was fine.  I think I am developing a different attitude about this. I WANT so badly to feel good about my "outer self". 
     I'm not necessarily down on myself all the time, just want to rid myself of the dread of going into the closet to choose my clothes for the day. Right now, that is the worst part of the day. Knowing that no matter what I put on, I will look in the mirror and not like what I see. To people who don't have this problem, they may not understand.  Its hard. Very hard. It affects every other aspect of your life when you feel insecure about your weight. If you aren't quite sure what I'm talking about , I'll give you an example of some things that go through my mind throughout my day brought on by my weight insecurities. (Some of you may know exactly what I am talking about)
1.  Constantly pulling and tugging on your shirt so it doesn't cling to you in places you don't like.
2.  Feeling guilty for feeling hungry. Like you don't deserve to eat.
3. Sitting in front of your class having a great discussion, but holding your book in your lap in front of    your "rolls" so they won't see them.
4. Writing on the board wondering how fat you look from the student's view.
I could go on and on and on.

I can't help the things that run through my mind. I know not everyone dwells on it that much. I do though. I don't know why. I just do. Some days are worse than others.  But some are good. I don't really know what triggers something in me that makes one day worse than the others, but hopefully journaling will help me figure this out.  Maybe one day I can just go in the closet happily, put on something and think, "Yep, that looks good" and then go about my day teaching, running errands, etc. and not have another thought about tugging at my shirt or sitting a particular way.  I'm just going to take it one day at a time, and keep my eye on the goal.  :) Tomorrow's lunch: Mexican (my weakness)....but its all good! I'll do my best to make wise decisions.