Today

So, today was an average day. I got up early, tanned and organized my sewing/craft room.  Diet is going good....my willpower is holding strong....but my mind is still thinking CHOCOLATE!  I ENJOY chocolate, and I MISS it.  I'm sure if I could get me a bag of Hershey's kisses and just eat ONE per day I'd be fine. I know this is not possible.  I'm a chocolate addict.  I know what will happen. So, I don't buy them!  I do great for the better part of the day, then about 4 or so I get a little "angry". I really do! I don't want to have to diet. I don't want to have to count calories. I want to be like my mom and sisters and just eat something without worrying about it. I'm not going to complain too much about that though. I am grateful for everything I have in my life and also for my good health I've been blessed with.  So....I'm going to quit whining!
My creativity is stirring. I need to create something new.  I have so many ideas and can't wait to play around in the sewing room. I need to focus on which one I will do first.  I have a little bit of "crafters ADD" as I call it.  I tend to get too many projects going at once. As I am in the middle of one project, I want to start the next new idea. I'm going to try not to do that this time.  :)  I cannot work in a mess, so I should be ok now that I cleaned and organized my room again! This has to be done often.....I create like I cook..............I get messy!  I'll be sure and post some of my new crafts as I create them. Some will probably end up in my ETSY store.  For those of you who would like to check it out, here is the link:
http://www.kimsmissprissy.etsy.com/

Back on Track!

So, being as crazy busy as I always am at the end of a school year, I neglected my blog for a while. When I decided to post again, I could not for the life of me remember my password.  I never use the same one for anything because I am so afraid of identity theft! haha.  As you can see, I finally remembered it!

So I will catch you up on the diet.  Well, I have three words for ya......Teacher Apprication Week.
I was going to be so good and then one of my precious students brought me a mini loaf of fresh banana walnut bread.  Enough said! 

I am on track now.  I am actually excited!  My doctor and I talked the other day and we discussed reasons that I eat.  He really made me realize the psychology behind eating.  I knew alot of this already, but never really sat down and talked to someone about it at length. 
So here are some of the reasons I eat:
1. I really really like the taste of food.
2. I get depressed and food makes me TEMPORARILY feel good, but usually to follow is self-hatred for eating.
3. Stress
4. Boredom
5. Sadness
6. Frustration
7. Social entertainment
8. Its there in front of me.
9. Wanting to not "waste" food, so I finish my plate.

Basically, he gave me a couple of assignments.
1.   He wants me to make VERY sure I am hungry and not one of the above before I decide to eat. Talking to him made me realize I need to love myself more than I love the food I consume.  I need to eat to live NOT live to eat. He also explained to me that this is a lifestyle change, not a quick fix for weight loss.  Of course, once I reach my goal, I will be able to indulge in things on occassion.  This, I think for me was the hardest! I immediately became depressed and felt deprived.  I started thinking of all the wonderful tasting things I will not be able to eat over the next few months.  I actually wanted to CRY!  It is kind of embarassing to say, but I did want to.  I know it was kind of silly, but that is the importance I have placed on food in my life.
Dr. G explained to me that I will go through all of the same emotions at first that a person who is getting a divorce goes through.  I will be "divorcing" food.  Its really ironic the parallel between the two.
He said, and I KNOW, I will feel: sad, angry, defeated, hopeless, numb, etc. But there is a bright side....I will get past this time and then will begin to feel positive emotions.  Gain more confidence! Feel proud of my accomplishment. 
2.  Journal........so here I am. (he also gave me a purse sized journal for food and water intake and exercise)
3.  Buy a dress in my goal size! Something I have always wanted to wear, but haven't felt confident enough to wear.  Hang it in the bedroom and have it as a reminder of the day I will walk in his office with it on.

I'm not brave enough to show you my before pictures....I think I would still be a little embarassed to do that at this point.  But I have one...and will post it soon!

Back Into Perspective

Sometimes you just have a bad day. Nothing really in particular, just a lot of little things along with a body telling you it doesn't like the changes you are making.  That would be my day today.
        I want to start by saying that I sort of feel guilty about being in this "mood".  I have so much to be thankful for and truly I am thankful.  Things could be much worse. I was reminded of that today when I learned that one of our students' mother died unexpectedly today.  That in itself is sad, but add to that that this little girl and her family have been through so much already.  The little girl, in the 3rd grade, had been fighting cancer.  She just went back to St. Jude and found out her cancer is back.  Now today, her mother was found at her home and had died. I don't know many details, but I am so very sad for this family. Having learned about this, I didn't feel that my petty problems even deserved acknowledgement.
                   I didn't have a good day because I gave in to temptation and at a lemon poppyseed muffin AND a cupcake a little girl brought me.....OH......forgot about the banana bread another student brought...yep ate that too! I was FURIOUS with myself at the end of the day.  I had already decided I would just finished the day off by eating whatever I wanted.  Then, I got the news about the student's mom and just decided that I was grateful to HAVE food, my health, and my precious children, husband and family! Minor things like weight loss are nothing in comparison to the problems people face in this world.  Makes me feel so shallow! 
         Tonight I pray for the family and their loss. I pray for the children whose mother is no longer there with them. I pray for their little hearts to heal and that God will be with them and comfort them.  I pray for other children in my school who go home to problems beyond their control. Children that may not have food to eat, running water or electricity. Children who have their little hearts filled with such sadness, fear and worry.  As a teacher, one thing I have learned over time is that school, for some children, is more than just a place to get an education. School for these children is a place to feel safe and to eat the only meals they will have that day. 
         I will go to bed tonight knowing that there are far worse things out there than having a hard time losing weight.  I am so very thankful that my problems are so trivial in comparison to so many out there.  Thank you God for the blessings in my life.

Teacher Appreciation Week!

Teacher Appreciation Week!  Yep....unfortunately for my diet, we have a fabulous group of parents that shower us with yummy goodies all week long.  The parents sign up to bring the assigned food category of the day. Today was doughnuts and finger food day!  The Orange Monster struck....but he didn't get me!  I salivated over those chocolate doughnuts......boy did I!  But I just looked! I watched a friend or two eat. That was going to have to do me for today. I lived vicariously through them! And envied them! I was bound and determined to at least make it through the first day without feeling guilty and angry with myself for caving in.  I should be ok in the morning.....tomorrow's breakfast is fruit. I can't eat fruit.....nope....not at all....unless it is cooked or processed.  I was cursed with an allergy to raw fruits and vegetables.  That combined with this slow metabolism I was lucky enough to have and that leaves me with ......well, not much to choose from.  Its all good though....I'm picturing myself right now , looking all trim in the future, feeling good about myself again. Recently one of my facebook friends posted this status: "Nothing tastes as good as SKINNY"....that is my motto right now, well at least I'm trying to convince myself it is. 
     Had a pretty good day for the most part though. I wasn't angry at the world like I sometimes feel at this point. I am NOT a Monday person, so I was a little afraid how the day would turn out. It was fine.  I think I am developing a different attitude about this. I WANT so badly to feel good about my "outer self". 
     I'm not necessarily down on myself all the time, just want to rid myself of the dread of going into the closet to choose my clothes for the day. Right now, that is the worst part of the day. Knowing that no matter what I put on, I will look in the mirror and not like what I see. To people who don't have this problem, they may not understand.  Its hard. Very hard. It affects every other aspect of your life when you feel insecure about your weight. If you aren't quite sure what I'm talking about , I'll give you an example of some things that go through my mind throughout my day brought on by my weight insecurities. (Some of you may know exactly what I am talking about)
1.  Constantly pulling and tugging on your shirt so it doesn't cling to you in places you don't like.
2.  Feeling guilty for feeling hungry. Like you don't deserve to eat.
3. Sitting in front of your class having a great discussion, but holding your book in your lap in front of    your "rolls" so they won't see them.
4. Writing on the board wondering how fat you look from the student's view.
I could go on and on and on.

I can't help the things that run through my mind. I know not everyone dwells on it that much. I do though. I don't know why. I just do. Some days are worse than others.  But some are good. I don't really know what triggers something in me that makes one day worse than the others, but hopefully journaling will help me figure this out.  Maybe one day I can just go in the closet happily, put on something and think, "Yep, that looks good" and then go about my day teaching, running errands, etc. and not have another thought about tugging at my shirt or sitting a particular way.  I'm just going to take it one day at a time, and keep my eye on the goal.  :) Tomorrow's lunch: Mexican (my weakness)....but its all good! I'll do my best to make wise decisions.

Just a means of Journaling

Lets see how this goes! I have decided to journal on a blog. I definitely do not think people will be enthralled with my daily activities. Why would they? I'm a wife, mom, teacher, crafter. Just an ordinary girl in a small town. I am currently working towards a healthier lifestyle that will allow me to lose (hopefully) 50 lbs. Who knows what will happen from day to day!

I have just woken up from a two hour nap. What did I dream about in that two hours? Well......I told you I was on a diet right? So......I dreamed about cookies.......soft, homemade, chocolate chip cookies! In my dream I ate the entire container. In my dream they were baked by me for my 6th grade students. Did I share them in my dream? NO.....I didn't....shamefully in my dream I took them to my classroom as a surprise, one in which I never revealed....instead I sneaked a cookie or two throughout the day and ate the entire batch! Yes...that is what is on my mind right now.....chocolate chip cookies.
Have you seen the orange little weight watchers monster on tv commercials? Well......don't worry, he's not after you ....he's following me! I know he is! He is temptation and he is at every turn I make. I have found myself watching television while holding the remote. Why you ask? Well to change the channel from the commercials of course. Every commercial seems to be directed at sabotaging any chance of forgetting about the very foods I am trying to avoid. Oh, and of course every one of those commercials if followed by one in which they are telling you how to LOSE weight! Yea, right! But I'm gonna give it my best shot! I will be forty in September and I am determined that 40 is the magical year that I will transform myself into a 50 lbs lighter ME. I am going to plug away here and share my ups and downs along the way. I am going to journal about my moods in this journey. I must warn you though...you may log in to find someone has taken over my body.....someone with a grumpy disposition. Someone you may not recognize as the person I am today. I know this from experience. Dieting is not and has never been a pleasant experience for me. I will try my best to stay positive, but first and foremost, I'm going to be honest. I want to use this blog as a way to go back and analyze my thoughts and actions along the way. You see.....for me, this will be a therapy of sorts. A way to reflect and get myself back on track when I stumble. Hopefully, at the end of this journey, 50lbs lighter, I will look back and laugh and know how far I came. I will know that it was all worth it. I will know I can do anything I set my mind to. But, for now, I will just end this blog and go fight my chocolate chip cookie craving, and hide from the orange, furry monster!